blog posts. I love to write.

It’s an outlet for me—and a really good outlet at that.

At this time in my life, I need an appropriate outlet.

I have been so stressed lately, something that I am sure more than one of yo can relate to. It was just finals week for me and while I’m relieved that it’s over, I am anxious for my grades to come out. I really fucked around my first year of college and it made my gpa shit. And when I say shit, I mean complete shit. 1.77. Yes, I am that girl. Seeing as how I am trying to transfer to a new university in the fall that requires a 2.0 GPA minimum, it’s a really stressful situation for me.

AHEMM, it’s announcement time. Everybody, I am 20 years old. Would anybody like to take a stab at what else is stressing me out? Anybody? Hold your shocked reactions, please, but it’s dating drama. FUCK DATING. I was that girl that was perfectly content being single. I know what I want, and I won’t settle for a relationship until I find what I want. Morals, family, my type, blah, blah, blah. 

UNTIL… December 2011. I went on a cruise and met a guy. I’m going to go ahead and say that ‘Jason’ is a name that you will probably be hearing [or reading, I suppose] often. Hopefully not often enough that it’s annoying. 

I am really good friends with Jason’s sister now. 

Jason is in the Marines at Camp Lajune. 

He’s 29 years old, and just a man’s man. 

I freaking fell in love. Not on the cruise, that is, but after, when he decided to keep in contact with me. 

His “crazy ex girlfriend” (his and Crystal’s words, not mine) like to keep in touch with me from time to time. FUCK THAT. 

I am one of the least drama-filled women that you guys will ever ‘meet.’ For some unknown reason, though, dramatic girls, guys, and situations have a wonderful knack for finding me and basically shitting in my heart. It sucks. 

He tells me all of the things that I want to hear, when I don’t want to hear them, and it keeps me around. His sister backs him up, too, which makes it extra difficult for me, just because I am filled with doubt. 

I feel like I know that it would be better if I cut all ties with him completely but I also know that I see the little glimmer of hope somewhere inside of me. Trust me, I hate that little glimmer. He’s everything that I want and everything that I could ever imagine myself being with. It’s so hard because he’s so far away from me. I think that it would be so much easier if I had known him before. Spending five days together just isn’t enough time for me to learn to trust someone.

I have never wanted to be this girl, but I have trust issues because I have been hurt in the past. I am always the strong one. I never cry in front of anybody. I think that the lack of emotion that I allow myself to show really affects my internal trust issues. 

And all I want is to be loved by a man that I admire, and that loves me for me. 

You guys have no idea what I’m like in real life. I am so not an emotional person. That’s why I said what I said earlier. 

Blogging is my outlet. 

I do want this to be first of many blog posts on here, and I really hope it’s well received by all of my lovely followers. :) Honestly,I’d love to chat with all of you and any comments or criticisms are very welcome.

I love you guys, and hope you enjoyed it.